2010 Short Story Contest First Place Winner: 'Kill Bills'

Kill Bills is the First Place winner in the first annual Star City Blog Short Story Contest. Starting June 22, the stories of the top five authors were featured and published on Star City Blog, once per week, leading up to the posting of this First Place story.

By Aaron Franco

    “You sure you want to do that, Car Payment?” I asked, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of my mouth. Car Payment was coming at me with a 2 x 4 and I knew he meant business. For years, I'd been punching and kicking the crap out of him, whittling him down, but now that his end was near, he meant to go out with a bang.

      I was happy to oblige.

      Desperation etched in his face, he mustered his strength and swung the board. But he was tired and weak - I deftly dodged the blow and sent a powerful roundhouse kick his way, connecting squarely with his jaw. Car Payment slid fifteen feet backwards and didn't move. He was done, for good this time.

      Sensing my distraction at finally defeating Car Payment, the lanky Utilities tried to grab me in a full nelson so his buddies could rough me up. It was a feeble effort and we grappled for a moment.

      “Seriously, Utilities? You come around every time, and every time it's the SAME,” I said, punctuating my comment with a swift elbow to Utilities' chin, and he staggered back and retreated out the door.

      “I'll be back!” he cried. “I always come back!”

      “And I'll send you packing, same as alw-OOF” I started, but was interrupted by a fierce blow in the back that sent me sprawling forward onto the cold concrete.

      “Save it. You'll need your strength,” snarled a powerful voice. I knew it was the muscle-bound, fur toga-wearing brawler known as Capital One. And where Capital One went, his crony Rent was sure to follow, along with the annoying parrot he called Renter's Insurance perched on his shoulder. Capital One sneered, readjusted his odd Viking hat, and laughed an evil laugh (which the parrot repeated), "BWAHAHAHAHAA!" ("SquawawawARAWK!").

      The portly Rent giggled idiotically. "HEHEHEHEEEE! Have you met our friends?" It was then, in the shadows at the back of this clichéd, dimly lit warehouse, that I noticed movement.

      "You creeps don't scare me," I said, rising to my feet as the figures began emerging from the darkness. "School Loan, I've licked you plenty of times before. Geico, Time Warner, you're hardly even one goon put together. And Banana Republic, this doesn't concern you. Why not leave before you get that finely tailored three-piece suit dirty?"

      "Oh, you've made sure it does concern me," he said, tilting his bowler to a suitably jaunty angle and gesturing at the comfortable-yet-classic chinos I was wearing. I winced.

      “They're perfect for any occasion!” I retorted automatically before collecting myself.

      “Whatevs,” I spat, settling easily into my customary fighting stance. “Haven't you realized? With Car Payment gone, that just means. . .well, more attention for all of you.” I smiled as my opponents squirmed, no doubt contemplating a Bill afterlife.

      But then Capital One laughed. “Maybe you've forgotten something.”

      I spun around quickly only to meet the business end of a vicious high-heel. Before I could react, the figure punched my throat, yelling, “Strep TEST!” Then a kick to the ribs, “Chest X-RAY!” I fell backwards, landing hard, but had no time to think before she was upon me again.

      I scooted backward as she stomped forward, trying to impale my knees with her stilettos and getting closer every time. Suddenly, I hit a wall and could go no further. She stopped and looked down at me, red hair tumbling from beneath a nurse's hat onto her low-cut white uniform. A short skirt with fishnet stockings and red high-heels completed the look.

      “Bad news, honey,” she drawled. “Your reflexes? Not so hot.”

      “Medical Expenses, I should have known. You always show up at the worst times.” She had me right where she wanted. No escape. Was this the end?

      “Excuse me, miss,” an elderly-sounding voice interjected to my left, surprising my assailant. There stood a grey-haired man in a plain, but well-kept brown suit. “I have your paperwork here,” he said meekly, holding out a clipboard.

      Medical Expenses glanced sideways at the man, then laughed. “What's this?” She turned to check the clipboard, but just as she got close, the old man swung it upward in a brutal uppercut, knocking her backwards in slow motion. She hit the ground and didn't move.

      “Well done, State!” shouted a new female voice.

      “Bureaucracy in action, Federal!” said State, looking quite proud of himself as a woman in sharp business attire and glasses, blond hair wrapped in a bun, appeared at his side. They each reached a hand down, pulling me to my feet.

      “We're the Refunds!” they said cheerily, and my heart leapt.

      Maybe there's a chance.

      I looked up. Across the room, Capital One and company were staring, mouths agape at this sudden turn of events.

      “Good timing, you two. Shall we say hello? I think they're waiting for us.” State and Federal stepped to my side, smiling grimly.

      Tough times call for tougher people, I thought. With these words steeling my resolve, I cracked my knuckles and raced back into the fray.

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Thank you to all those who took part in our first Short Story Contest! We greatly appreciate your participation and enthusiasm and look forward to next year's contest!

To read the two selected Honorable Mentions, click here and here.

To read Peter Salter's 3rd Place story, click here.

To read Richard Nielsen's 2nd Place story, click here.

Comments

[Marty]

Nice work Mr Franco, you write the write and fight the fight. Very impressive.

[C]

Who knew bills could be so entertaining? I hope you win the epic battle!

[Aaron]

Thanks, Marty!

And C: unfortunately, this is a battle which won't end for quite awhile. But I, like most everyone out there, must continue the battle! :)

P.S. - Thanks to the Star City Blog for putting together such an entertaining contest. I've greatly enjoyed reading all the other featured entries – it gave me something creative, unique to look forward to reading each week.